LIBERALS ANONYMOUS
A GATHERING OF CONSERVATIVE STEREOTYPE FANTASIES

By Brian Hannon

In its ongoing, plausibly denied investigation of suspected subversive organizations launched in the wake of the September 11 attacks, the Federal Bureau of Investigation recently bugged a meeting of Liberals Anonymous, a support group for left-wingers trying to cope with life in Republican America. The following is the official FBI transcript of that audiotape, obtained through a confidential source.

CASE: 19-666-19
UNIT: Boston Field Office
DATE: 12/15/2004
TIME: 20:14
LOCATION: Private residence; Wellesley, Massachusetts
SURVEILLANCE: Exterior and interior audio
TARGET: “Liberals Anonymous” organization

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Voice of male, believed to be a Caucasian professor of philosophy, suspected Marxist, author of three leftist political articles published in The Nation magazine, and de facto chairman of Liberals Anonymous, hereafter referred to as PINKO: Okay, it seems most everyone has arrived. Does anyone know where Joe is?

Voice of female, believed to be a Caucasian health food store proprietor, suspected homosexual, and suspected practitioner of Wicca, hereafter referred to as GLENDA: He won’t be coming anymore. I talked to him on the phone, and he said life wasn’t worth living under George Bush, that it all just seemed pointless, and he couldn’t go on with it anymore.

PINKO: Oh my god, I hope he hasn’t done anything rash.

GLENDA: No worries. Canada has government-subsidized healthcare and a very tolerant society, so in spite of his American past he said the people of Saskatchewan have embraced him as one of their own. And apparently the market for vegan lunch trucks was wide open, so he’s doing a good business.

[Excited talk among group members, garbled]

PINKO: All right everyone; let’s not get worked up. Joe has conceded the battle, but I’m sure his heart is still with us as we continue to fight the war against the conservative takeover of our country.

Voice of female, believed to be an Asian part-time caterer, author of nine published examples of feminist poetry, suspected homosexual, and known housemate of GLENDA, hereafter referred to as MISS SAIGON: I think that at a time when our brave, diverse soldiers—including women I like to think of “soldi(h)ers,” or maybe just “GI Jane” — are dying in a war launched illegally by the Bush Administration, referring to our liberal political agenda in terms such as “battle” and “war” is completely inappropriate.

PINKO: You’re right, Phung, I’m sorry. I guess I need to pay more attention at those political correctness sensitivity retreats we’ve been running at the college. Now, for inspiration, we’re going to listen to another chapter from the audio book version of Lies (And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them).

Voice of male, believed to be an African American newspaper columnist, former student NAACP chapter leader, and current member of a union, hereafter referred to as HACK: Franken has been sidelined as a wisecracking crank by the GOP propaganda machine. He used to get my righteous indignation up with his clever diatribes, but now he just seems like the poster child for poor losers.

Voice of male, believed to be a Hispanic social worker, suspected member of two pro-environment organizations, and suspected recreational marijuana user, hereafter referred to as SMOKEY: I know what you mean. Political humor hasn’t been the same since Dennis Miller came out as a conservative and went over to CNBC. We’ve still got Franken and Bill Maher and Gary Trudeau, and I guess we can claim Carrot Top, but it just isn’t the same these days.

PINKO: C’mon gang, how about we turn down the lights and put the Fahrenheit 9/11 DVD on for a few minutes. We can skip to the part about the Bush family’s ties to the House of Saud. That’s always a good pick-me-up.

[Mumbled statements, inaudible]

GLENDA: I think we’re all in denial. I admit I’m still in shock that the warmongering frat boy actually got elected this time. [Agent’s Note: “warmongering frat boy” apparent reference to P.O.T.U.S. Bush.] But we’ve got to plot some course of action. At this rate, Phung and I are never going to be legally married; our gravestones will say we were in a “beloved civil union.”

MISS SAIGON: There’s always Oregon, honey.

GLENDA: What I’m saying is, if we liberals don’t get off our collective butts and do something serious to slow down the conservative conquest of this nation, we’ll all be declared enemy combatants by 2007. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if the FBI is bugging us right now. [Agent’s Note: possible investigative security breach, recommend internal investigation.]

PINKO: Hear hear, Jane! If I weren’t totally opposed to violence in all its collective and individual permutations, I’d pick up a gun or some other handheld weapon—I’ve always fancied myself wielding a rapier—and start the revolution right now. Power to the people!

HACK: Hey Jane, you know those of us in newspapers and TV did our part. But once the folks in the heartland caught on that there really was a liberal media conspiracy, we were dead in the water. Now guys we previously kept under wraps, like Bill O’Reilly and Rush, are running the airwaves like their own private Idaho.

GLENDA: I thought you told us the liberal media conspiracy stuff was a crock, a GOP conspiracy theory.

HACK: I did. But maybe what I really meant was that the conspiracy is a real thing I’d be happy to talk to the government about in the presence of my attorney and with the right incentives, in case the government happens to be listening.

[Confused exclamations from the group, unable to transcribe]

PINKO: I’m sure Roland is just joking around, everyone. If he learned anything from his news sources in the government, I’m sure he’d tell us. You’re not cutting any deals with the man, are you, Roland? Ha ha.

HACK: Of course not. Oh, look at the time. I have to run.

MISS SAIGON: You’ve only been here five minutes.

HACK: Well, um, I’ve got a thing… a journalist thing. We get them all the time.

SMOKEY: Hold on. I want to know how O’Reilly and Limbaugh ever got on the air in the first place. With the liberal bent in the media industry, I thought they would have been forced into investment banking by now.

PINKO: That’s a good point. We liberal professors have pretty much got academia sewn up; conservative intellectuals know to stay out of the colleges and stick to lucrative and influential positions in think tanks and federal government administration. So what’s wrong with you news guys?

HACK: Unfortunately, the media is like a dance club. Even with face control at the door, a few unhip people are going to slip through.

SMOKEY: Well, I like to smoke a little innocent, medicinal ganja to help with my allergies while I’m out hiking and camping in this beautiful land of ours, but I’m getting publicly demonized by a soap box disc jockey who snorts pain pills he bought illegally through his undocumented housekeeper. Haven’t the red states heard of hypocrisy?

HACK: Yeah, but Karl Rove convinced them it had something to do with swift boats. And now I’ve got to take off before my fingerprints get on anything.

Voice of female, believed to be a Native American, unemployed painter/performance artist, recipient of a National Endowment for the Arts grant, suspected Planned Parenthood volunteer, suspected bisexual, hereafter referred to as TATONKA: What about my uterus? That stuttering cowpoke could have up to three Supreme Court appointments, and the Senate now has a new crop of pro-lifers. [Agent’s Note: “stuttering cowpoke” apparent reference to P.O.T.U.S. Bush.] The future of reproductive health and abortion rights is in serious jeopardy. I don’t want the GOP telling me what to do with my uterus! How do we stop this?

MISS SAIGON: Susan is right. Despite numerous celebrity endorsements of political liberalism, Hollywood and the recording industry failed to put a dent in the Midwest or the South. Bill Clinton’s new svelte bod apparently didn’t win over any housewives, desperate or otherwise. Even MoveOn.org is stumbling around trying to figure out what the hell to mobilize against for the next four years. So what are we going to do?

PINKO: I know what we are going to do, what we have to do. It’s the one thing the conservatives did correctly. The one thing, that is, besides mobilizing millions of previously unregistered evangelical voters to cast ballots based on a perception of leadership rooted in traditional Judeo-Christian morals and without giving weight to more relevant issues like the dire state of the economy or the deaths and permanent injuries of thousands sent to war under false pretenses.

GLENDA / MISS SAIGON / SMOKEY / TATONKA: What??

PINKO: We have to pray.

[END TRANSCRIPT] 

 

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