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INTRODUCING: B-HA!
By (the writer formerly known as) Brian Hannon
It used to be that single-name status was bestowed upon only the biggest of
the big in modern western culture: Madonna, Sting, Michael (Jackson or
Jordan), Bruce and, of course, the biggest one-namers of all: Jesus and Hef.
Nowadays, however, it seems anyone even partially illuminated by the
limelight goes by only a first name or, even cooler, an abbreviation.
On television and radio there are the talk show standards Dave, Jay, Rosie,
Oprah, Howard, and Rush. In Hollywood we have Nicole, Tom, Cameron, Gwyneth,
Brad, and Jennifer as in Aniston, not to be confused with Jennifer as in
Lopez, also known by her street-diva moniker, J. Lo. America was initially
knocked over by the celebrity whirlwind of Matt and Ben, but then Ben hooked
up with J. Lo and created the larger-than-tabloid-life creature known as
Bennifer.
In the NBA, Shaq and Kobe still reign one-name supreme despite losing their
last championship run to Detroit, while a new crop of basketball superstars
are hot on their heels both in game and with hip handles including T-Mac
(Tracy McGrady) and K-Mart (Kenyon Martin.) Even in stoic New England, where
summer and fall thoughts focus on the time-worn traditions of the ballpark,
we have our one-name wonders and abbreviated idols: Nomar, Pedro, Manny,
Trot, Pokey, JD.
In music especially, a recognizable single name is practically a requirement
for success. Frank, Dean, and Sammy started it all, of course, while Bono,
Prince, Axl, and Slash all rode the nickname train to fame in later decades.
Now, in addition to J. Lo, American pop culture worships at the feet of P.
Diddy (formerly Puffy, formerly Puff Daddy, formerly “J. Lo’s boyfriend”),
Eminem, Britney, Jessica, Usher, Pink, Janet, Justin, and Nelly. The musical
future, at least for the next fifteen minutes, may be JoJo, a
thirteen-year-old singer who is moving up the Billboard and MTV charts and
will undoubtedly be a huge success due entirely to her snappy name.
The same even holds true for Washington big-foots such as Bill, Hillary,
Colin, Condi, and Rummy.
Why then does the world of letters seem immune to this trend? Sure, there
are extremely recognizable personalities among the top writers, academics,
and journalists, some of whom might even be nearing official one-name
status: Salman (Rushdie), John (Updike), Susan (Sontag), William (F.
Buckley), Calvin (Trillin), Seymour (Hersh), Bob (Woodward), Thomas
(Friedman), Cornell (West), Joseph (Stiglitz), Arthur (Schlesinger), Doris
(Kearns Goodwin), and Michael (Beschloss or Moore).
As the parentheses demonstrate, however, most of the men and women of the
word are not positively identified by a single name, with the possible
exception of the most consistently popular novelists: King, Grisham, Rice,
and Rowling. Yet even these best-sellers are debatable as one-namers, mostly
because they lack that hip, flashy sort of handle that sends the people at
Entertainment Tonight into a tizzy.
Always one to recognize an important trend, or perhaps just desperate to
start one, I have therefore decided to become the first writer who is
instantly recognizable to the American public not for the quality of my
writing, but rather due to a trendy nom du plume. Henceforth, Brian Hannon
will be known by the overtly marketable shortening of my name: “B-Ha!”
B-Ha! not only rhymes with “yeehaw,” a fun and saleable word if ever there
was one, but the use of a flashy and self-confident exclamation point
practically guarantees the same sort of name recognition that vaulted Yahoo!
to the top of the computer biz.
This new public incarnation wholly lends itself to overblown paparazzi
coverage. For instance, by dating a woman named Jennifer, I will have
enabled the tabloid press to run rampant with “Brianfer” headlines; the same
goes for Diana (“Briana”) and Hannah (“B-Ha!nnah”). I’m especially keen to
take Angelina Jolie on a romantic and photogenic excursion to my favorite
mini-golf course: “B-H!olie in one! Couple seen smooching between windmill
and giant clown mouth.” When trying to secure six- and seven-figure book
advances, this sort of media overexposure is invaluable. (The only thing
better is having a death sentence placed on your head by a religious group,
and to hedge my bets I have already started exploring ways to tick off the
Mormons and the Seventh-day Adventists.)
Despite this lurid publicity and the subsequent guaranteed sales success of
my first book, regardless of its subject matter or quality, I refuse to
become one of those hiply named vanity cases who blows all my totally
undeserved wealth on diamond-encrusted jewelry for my celebrity
girlfriend-of-the-week or by leaving thousands of dollars in my carry-on bag
for any kleptomaniac who happens to follow me through the airport. I have
serious business plans for my personal abbreviation, including lines of
B-Ha! clothing, fragrance, and household cleaners. I also intend to talk to
JoJo about starting our own breakfast chain: B-Ha!-Jo’s.
In the downtime between these commercial ventures and meetings with my
publicist and personal shopper, I may even do some more writing, although
only in well-timed guest columns in Vanity Fair espousing my
fashionable political views while cleverly hinting at the contents of my
upcoming novel, which will be excerpted exclusively in the New Yorker.
The trick is to build the public into a fever pitch of anticipation for the
next book without cutting into my face time at the important New York
literary hangouts and the hottest restaurants and clubs in L.A. and Miami.
After all, I have the B-Ha! image to protect.
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2008 Wolf Moon Desk Calendar
We are pleased to announce that we have put together another snappy desk calendar
featuring work by Maine photographer Clif Graves.
5 1/2" x 5"
2008 Wolf Moon Calendar just
$10.00 each
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Wolf Moon JOURNAL
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Wolf Moon
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